The Book of Nothing

The Book of Nothing

As I sat mulling over what best to do with myself, I decided it was most pertinent to begin another book, lest I perish by perilous idleness. Although, I want to bring you something truly useful; So I turned and tossed, hoping to call to mind something you might find worth knowing. I’m in a most peculiar situation, since men and women today, and I’m sure you already know this fact, know absolutely everything there is. What more could one possibly add? You’ve given me quite the challenge! Given my odd situation, I decided it best to write a book about absolutely nothing. Thus, my reader, I pray you read along as I tell you nothing at all, where you will surely learn less than if you dunked your head in an ice bin.

Here begins the Book of Nothing…

Lemon stew is a great resource to assuaging lechery. Boils happen in two ways; the first is on the face and the second in a cauldron. Carrots are living beings, with thoughts and souls just like humans. Golden nuggets can be found near the trash can. Bedsheets are not removable. Blues music sounds like farts. Berries poop, and it is sometimes black, other times red, and always yellow. Talking to fruit will give you better eyesight if you eat the leafy part first. Walls don’t collapse unless you clap four times and spin round at the doorway. Flowers die even though you think they aren’t breathing differently. Dwarves who play on harps do well. Elephant horns summon silk beds and sprinkling fountains that heal. A giant can be slain by tying a rope around his feet and yanking really hard. The well you jumped in leads to an underground city where the ordinary people will think you a giant. If you throw somebody to the wolves he perishes in the hills. Only in rivers can one truly sleep because the water makes the blood flow better. Don’t ever ask for Morgan’s help, for she knows only how to pluck your hairs out one by one. Reversals are concrete. Wheels only roll when on fire. Partridges can only be eaten if you start with the ass. The Hippopotamus was invented by Persians who needed a source of entertainment. Exercise was created during a case between God and the wealthy; the latter greatly desired to negotiate the holding of perpetual feasts; God shined His light, and that same day the Saints were discovered too. A cave mansion can be used for siestas as long as there is enough firewood and the town unicorn has donated her teeth to be used for mushing seed. Bartholemew died in 1162 during the battle of Segranti, his cause of death is unknown. Brother Terrance tried to burrow a hole in the ground. After using many types of picks and shovels, a large rock was hurled at him, crushing his face into a thousand pieces; a lot of mud was subsequently piled on his head, and he was not given a Christian burial. Since the light from the lantern wasn’t working, he did not see the Ogre in front of him. The basilisk is not to be feared unless you are carrying any one of the following items: A one hundred dollar bill, rubies, elixirs to poison your husband, aforesaid unicorn teeth, golden spurs, latex condoms, golden thread, an ivory comb, buckwheat powder, or a rifle from the revolutionary war. This last item is especially condemning. If you want to know more, ask the basilisk. If you want to live, carry a nail gun. Ballistas are convenient for hurling monkey poo and rat guts; the smell alone will make a seven-year siege end in a fortnight. If you want to piss off a gnome, ask for his beard to use as a spice; they hate that. A foreign language can be learned if you do a handstand inside the capitol building of the native speaking people for a full minute without being thrown out, photographed, or tackled by a New Zealand rugby player. To slay a cobra you must fan your crotch while screaming Ave Maria ten times. If the Cobra is far away it doesn’t matter. A Chinaman could kill a diamondback in Arizona if he only followed this instruction. You lied about your favorite color, and this murdered the worm in that city you’ve never been to. Crunchy snow is good for detecting sparrows in summer. Goggles are worn when a master breeds his goats and hens since it gets quite bloody. Money is completely imaginary. In the Southwestern hemisphere, they have blue alabaster plants that grow in worship temples, though they melt them to make bullets that are installed in the eyes of blind men. Ten isn’t really a number. You have to look at the back of your hand; I won’t tell you what for, that is a capital offense in Heaven. Things one needs keys for are temporary, just as things that eat melons every day. Bartholemew was boiled while sleeping in a river near the giant’s cave, and eleven goblins cooked his flesh while sixty-two maids wept for his soul at the cobra fountain. Wombat turds are a tremendous resource in negotiating treaties. The two chief claimants are made to chew from the same turd; the nuttier mouthful gets to set the initial terms. Inspiration is possibly gained by eating honeyed earwigs. Sniffing highlighter can also bring on a similar inspiration, but I don’t recommend it unless you like frequent visits from soiled Goblins. Water contains elements that are not to be consumed unless you find yourself in a jungle surrounded by ill-famed white tigers; as a last ditch effort for survival, I then recommend onto you this perilous substance for drinking. Commonly called the rose, it is much thornier than one originally thinks.

Thus ends the Book of Nothing. If I continued any more, I fear this little book may become a book about something so I will stop now. Besides, I fear I may lose your interest if I continue droning on. Peace be with you, fair reader!

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